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December 06, 2006
today
I miss John.
This is the urn that the Trappists made.
Those monks really know their stuff, as I and John's sisters, who have the other two urns, have discovered, the finish is quite waterproof. It really doesn't freak me out to have his ashes. I think I may have said it before, but it gives me something physical to hang onto and take care of in this world, and it makes him less gone to me. Plus
here is a blessing the Trappists do. Somehow it takes the spookiness away.
Yesterday I spent some time with the box, holding it and crying, as I was overwhelmed by a sudden and powerful wave of sadness. Loss is a strange animal. Sometimes its overpowering and terrifying, as yesterday when I felt pins and needles all over, followed by a dull ache in all of my limbs because I was acutely aware that there is no force in the world that can bring him back. Other times you carry loss with you as just a fact, and maybe its even precious to you because its what you have left, so its a gentle thing that you need to cradle. At those times I picture it as a cloud-shaped bundle, dwelling close to the heart. Its because we love that we grieve. This is what I keep telling myself.
This is a picture of Katherine sent me, its John with his friend Charles, who passed away in (I believe it was) 2004. I never met him, but he and John were close, and John went to visit Charles when he was sick and dying. Going through some of John's work today, choosing works to be displayed at the memorial service, I came across a magazine dedicated to Charles. The images were softly lit, it was black and white (mostly shades of grey) and across the bottoms of the pages it read "you became used to being burned alive". It made my heart stop.
These days I try to work on projects, pick up something, put it down when I realize I don't know why I'm doing it and not something else, and wander off. Then repeat the process.
Thanks to everyone who has emailed and expressed condolences, and requested copies of John's magazines. I will be sending them out as soon as possible, some I have already sent, so be on the lookout for them. Thanks again to everyone who has commented.
Posted by at December 6, 2006 01:56 PM
Comments
The pictures are beautiful. We are still thinking of you.
Posted by: rob helpychalk at December 7, 2006 08:24 AM