« The Big Dawg, gone. | Main | a little bit of knitting on the Knit-A-Log, imagine »
November 29, 2006
The heart is mostly made of water
If, God forbid, you should find yourself in a position of needing such a thing, these monks make excellent caskets. They also make urns for cremated remains, which is what we got for John's ashes. Yesterday, in the mail I received a package containing three wooden crosses, also made by the monks, three because we got 3 urns, because John's ashes were to be divided- again, sorry if that's tmi. There was something very sweet and reassuring about receiving them, accompanied by a brief note from someone named Brother Tobias. Plus, the monks live in Iowa. You can't doubt the spiritual integrity, somehow. I am seeking comfort where I can find it.
Brief, Somewhat Instructive Observations About The Process of Mourning-
•Sometimes you need to lay in bed and cry. At those times, some would say you should get on with your life. I say lay in bed and cry. If it gets out of hand, you'll know, but you'll probably just fall asleep. Feel free to take a sedative, if you have one, for gosh sakes.
•If you need to burst into tears in the grocery store, do it. Walk around the grocery store crying because you are seized by the awareness that the person you loved isn't eating food anymore. Tell yourself there is probably better food where he is. Don't worry if people look at you funny because the thing is, you crying is probably the most interesting thing they've seen all day. Use the self check-out if possible.
•Forgive yourself for making crazy phone calls and sending crazy emails to unhelpful people. Forgive yourself for not thinking clearly all the time.
•Look for signs and wonders because they are all around and messages will come to you in unexpected and beautiful ways. Stay open to them.
Spirits are all around, whispering to us. Sit still and listen.
Was it Oscar Wilde who said, "Where there is sorrow there is holy ground." Believe it.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
For whatever its worth, one of John's last magazines that he made had a quote in it, I'm not sure where he found it, but I seem to remember him saying something about it being written on a fountain- or was it a doorway?- somewhere. It said, "we step into the circle at night and are consumed by fire."
I also found it scrawled on a scrap of paper on the floor of his apartment, which is now in a box under my bed. Its hard to know what it means exactly, I just like it.
If anyone would like a copy of the magazine, please email me and I can send you one, because I have a bunch and they are rather lovely. He would want people to have them.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Someday, I promise, I will write about knitting.
Posted by at November 29, 2006 02:23 PM
Comments
What was the name of his magazine? Sounds like he was a poet.
Posted by: elizabeth at November 30, 2006 07:26 AM
We would love a copy of his magazine!
I think my zine archieve (a box in the closet) has a few copies of Catalyst Comix, which was on of his projects, wasn't it? I remember a sheet of xeroxed black scribbles that said "Baltimore, Jack." off to one side.
Alex had picked up a saying which he thought was helpful in a lot of situations: "Don't just do something--sit there!"
Posted by: rob helpy-chalk at December 1, 2006 08:36 PM
I'm not sure whether this will shed any light on the mystery of the quote you mention, but I thought you might want to know..
"In girum imus nocte et consumimur igni" is a (relatively, for this sort of thing) well-known palindrome in Latin, and also a riddle - "we go into the circle by night, and are consumed by fire." The answer is moths drawn to a flame. It is believed likely to be from medieval times, rather than ancient Rome, and relies on some fairly dodgy Latin to make the palindrome work.
The Latin version of the phrase is also the title of a film by Guy Debord, which can be viewed online over here:
http://www.ubu.com/film/debord.html
Posted by: Thomas at December 2, 2006 10:04 PM
hello amy,
If you have any copies left, please send one to me (elisa addlesperger) at DePaul University Library, 1 E. Jackson Blvd., Chicago, IL, 60604. I remember John fondly. When I first met him, he was a handsome, brilliant artist who seemed to have such a wide road before him. I have several pieces of his artstamp work, which i scolded him about charging too little for. I wish i had been a more attentive friend, but it sounds like there were many others who loved him, which makes me happy.
Posted by: e. addlesperger at December 5, 2006 07:48 PM
Hi, I am so sorry for your loss. I found out about you and John throuh the King Cat site. I am sorry not because I knew John but because loss is what it is. I am sorry that you and your family are experiencing it.I would love a copy of the magazine as well but only if you will let me send a zine in return. Please email me and I will send my address. thanks so much for sharing with us, even when you need sharing.
Posted by: chris mostyn at December 6, 2006 11:55 AM