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November 24, 2006
The Big Dawg, gone.
Here's the late, great Big Dawg, looking rather serious.
(Thanks to Noorym for the photo and for everything.)
Its still kind of hard to wrap my brain around the fact that he's not coming back.
Tonight I was sorting through boxes, still looking for a picture of John that I took when we first met, which is my favorite picture of him, but I kept finding more and more other pictures- he and I at my graduation from SAIC, us in his Aunt Jane's backyard, in summer, with our arms around eachother, holding a bouquet of yellow balloons for his niece's high school graduation party, blurry photos of Ray, the orange tabby cat he had when we first met. I also found many that he had taken, including me standing in my studio door at Ragdale, sometime around 1997, and one of Norma, his mother, at my BFA show, standing under a drawing which John later, in a fit of pique, tore up, stir-fried, and mailed to me. Ah, yes. Quite the little drama.
It was complicated, as these things tend to be.
I wonder if this is the correct medium for expressing grief, but I feel compelled.
I'm sorry if this is way too much information, or if this is tasteless in some way, but this is always in my thoughts, and I see the movie over and over again of a darkened room, a very dense quiet, and a familiar form laying impossibly crumpled and utterly motionless.
Often I think about the nature of grieving, and if perhaps some good might come of more public grieving in the world. I wonder if it might create a better world if empathy were brought to light as something to practice and keep more in the front of our dealings with one another.
I think its under utilized.
But maybe I am extra aware of this at the moment, and probably there is more empathy in the world than I realize. Not that I am feeling a lack of it from friends and family, because there has been a great out pouring of love from people who knew and loved John, and I've come to see this fixture in my life- John- from so many different perspectives, and through different sets of eyes.
Gratuitous quotation from Hildegard von Bingen here-
For you see the
inner strength of God
which breathes out from
the heart of God
as if it were a face.
Someone told me John sees with God now. And plus he was fond of Hildegard, that's what made me think of it.
(too heavy for a blog? I don't know. You decide.)
Still in all there were many things to be thankful for, this Thanksgiving. The love of family- and of course our newest family member, Lucy, who is wonderfully healthy- and friends, a place for Marcel and I until our new place is ready- more about that later- at Mr. Goddamn Sunshine's house aka La Maison Vert, watching Dan play with my youngest cousin, Gracie, who is a sweet beautiful angel if ever there was one, having so many places to go and so many people to feed us, (and feed us Pie!!!) meeting new friends.
Then going home and curling up with Dan and Marcel, snug in La Maison Vert.
Posted by at November 24, 2006 05:33 PM
Comments
That's a nice picture of John, and Hildegard is always beautiful.
I am all in favor of public morning: ululating, beating breasts, gnashing teeth, the works.
Posted by: rob helpychalk at November 26, 2006 04:16 PM
I think it's a good thing to grieve out loud. When my dad died everyone was very hushed around me at work. All I wanted was for someone to sense how I felt, which was gutted. It's good to help people understand. Congratulations on your new place. Hope there will be pictures.
Posted by: Elizabeth at November 28, 2006 07:28 AM