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May 23, 2005
the E in me
This weird brain-fever that I seem to have is stubborn. Could it be an as-yet undiscovered form of Alzheimers, in which the victim slowly and painfully bores themselves to death? Here are the symptoms thus far, if I can stay awake long enough to type them all. Nothing seems worthwhile to do, even napping. The future looks like a big old black and white cornfield stretched out for miles and miles. Didn't I have big plans for it at some point? It used to seem like a good idea to want to be an artist, but now it just sounds funny. I hate to even carry on about it. That's the other thing. Everything important is out of reach. The universe teases me. (its not funny anymore, universe!!) I feel like there is cotton in my ears and all the windows in my house are dirty. I am the poster child for paxil, except not sad, its something different. But there must be a pill for this somewhere. What is the brain chemical which controls excruciating ennui?? Cause I've got it. It seems like a small thing but its no joke!
I'm stuck, stuck in insidious suspended animation. It feels like I am sitting still watching everything go by. One of these days I will just lay down on the sidewalk and there I will be. Not comatose. Not dead. Just a Pippy shaped lump of nothing.
Oh gosh, I don't mean to bring anybody down. I think its just I have too much time on my hands. And plus I still feel weird about the fact that I didn't manage to get hired at a stupid corporate bookstore where I didn't want to work anyway. Which makes me feel like the world has no useful place to put me, (not that I think working at a corporate retail job is useful to anybody in particular, least of all me, although the world is more inclined to give you insulin that way, which, right now, its not, oh but that is another boring story) which ordinarily wouldn't bother me, because I don't think everyone has to have a place, exactly, or be useful in any particular way. I don't know what my problem is. Its not anything anyone else is doing or not doing, or can fix. Its weird. I'm hoping that it goes away on its own. Maybe it is one of those 24 hour things. Over and over again.
I swear I will write something amusing.
Ok, here it is. Today I am forcing myself to work on Duchamp! in which Marcel explains, in English (although we are planning another Broken French Pour Chiens section this issue too) why he never wags, but only spins. Oh, some folks say that its a sin, to never wag but only spin. But a dog can't wag if his waggin's broke, is what Macel says to those folk. Which is true because he only has a mere peanut in place of a tail, having been maimed as a youngster, thus, he compensates. Today I have had to google "sit n spin toy" for a visual. Amazingly, they still make them. Marcel actually doesn't require any devices outside his own hyper self. But it makes for a funnier illustration. Look for the new issue soon, so soon!
I promise I'll cheer up.
Posted by at May 23, 2005 01:40 PM
Comments
This is going to sound silly, maybe. In fact, maybe I should email you instead of say this in public? Nah. Here goes. The Artist's Way. Have you done it? It changed my life. Seriously. Stop squirming and smirking. I used to react to it that way too. Whatever you think it is, it's not that. Try it. Really. I promise.
XOXO
Posted by: cari at May 23, 2005 04:01 PM
When I feel all value, direction and meaning drain out of everything, it helps me to medicalize the condition. Yes medicalize it, because its medical. We all describe it in different ways, using our personal vocabulary and experience, but we are pointing at the same basic thing. There are also certain patterns accross people. The word "grey" comes up in a lot of descriptions.
The doctors have decided to call this insensate period anhedonia, an inability to feel pleasure. I would have prefered a word that described the inability to find meaning, but I'm happy to use the word the doctors have given.
The important thing is that this dampanded feeling is an illusion, and a temporary one at that. Being an egghead, I tend to think my feelings of anhedonia are recognitions of features of the word--the world is meaningless. Normal people feel that it is just their life that is meaningless, or that somehow the world has no place for them.
Neither of these statements is true. The world has meaning, and if it doesn't we humans are capable of making it. The world has a place for you, and if it doesn't you are capable of making it.
The future may look like a big old black and white cornfield stretched out for miles and miles, but the problem is in your eye, not in the future.
The best news though is that your eye will clear up. It always has in the past, and it always will in the future. The paxil might help clear it up. Getting outside and exercising might help too. But it will clear up.
Don't worry.
Posted by: rob helpychalk at May 23, 2005 05:16 PM
Dear Pippy,
A few years ago I went through a state that was exactly as you described so vividly in your post. You are very talented. I understand that however many times you hear that it is hard to believe when you are feeling the way you are. Your condition can be treated. I don't know why so many creative people go through this ennui or feeling of hopelessness. The best thing to do is to be around understanding people and if you can get a good counselor as well as seeing a doctor for medication that will help. Then you will see your creative energy return. Talking to a professional counselor is what helped me most. I met a wonderful person who understood exactly what I was going through. I know how hard it was to miss out on a job you wanted. Maybe you could get a job at a university. That environment can be good for people who like to be around literate people and also the benefits are good. I hope you are feeling better soon.
Elizabeth
Posted by: Elizabeth at May 24, 2005 08:14 AM
Thank you everyone for your kindness
and concern! It really means a lot to me!
Posted by: Pippy at May 24, 2005 10:46 AM
Rob said everything that I wanted to say, only better.
You will feel better eventually, sweetie. Don't stop looking for the help you need until you find it.
Posted by: Thomas at May 25, 2005 04:21 PM