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September 02, 2004
I went to a funeral
Lord it made me happy
Seeing all those people
I ain't seen
Since the last time
Somebody died
-Lyle Lovett
Since The Last Time
That's what was going through my head this morning in the car on the way to the funeral for my mother's older sister, Elinor. That and what to say to my uncle, and my cousins, and how to meet my cousin's kids, who have grown up since I saw them last. Plus remembering that I meant to bring kleenex for my mother and I forgot. And wishing that death didn't make everything seem so urgent, while at the same time being glad that it does, and that I know it. If that makes any sense.
Here is what I would have said at the service, when the minister asked if anyone wanted to say anything, and only one person was able to, and I really wanted to except I was totally frozen in my seat from fear. My Aunt was more like my grandmother than my Aunt, since she was 20 years older than my Mom. She had 2 sons whom she loved very much but she also wished for a girl child, to do girl things with, and I continually disappointed her because I didn't like dolls. She loved having family gatherings at her house, and cooking traditional meals for holidays. Like my Mom, she secretly loved all animals. A few years ago she had a pet parakeet. So I made a postcard from a picture of some parakeets that I cut from a funny little book on parakeet care that I found at the thrift store, with the caption, cut from the book, "always make sure there are enough perches to go around". Apparently Aunt El got quite a kick out of it. Caretaking was in her nature, although sometimes I think the responsibility and the power of caretaking overwhelmed her so she held back, for fear of caring too much.
A lot of what I remember about my Aunt comes filtered to me through my mother's relationship to her, as a sister so much older that she became a kind of alternate or stand-by parent, and authority figure. My mother looked up to her sister, and feared her disapproval. I remember as a child absorbing this conflict when we went to their house, and always feeling vaguely, or sometimes strongly defensive around my Aunt and Uncle, but also wanting the feeling of security of being part of a family who remained the same no matter what.
I am quite certain that she is in a better place now, as the minister at the service said, so much better that we have no words for it, no picture of it, no way to imagine it.
Posted by at September 2, 2004 07:11 PM
Comments
we learn the skills of mourning as we age
You've posted a beautiful memorial and I'm sure
(too) that she has
lovely birds and all living things she has touched
around her as
friends holding her hand. You are beautiful.
Posted by: john at September 3, 2004 03:24 PM